Well, I declare!

Last Friday I turned in my linguistics major petition. Here I shall recount for you my experience. These are the main players:

UNDERGRADUATE MAJOR ADVISER (UMA): A cheery-looking woman with a bland voice.

SAM: Our hero.

SWISS GERMAN MAN (SGM): A guy whom SAM briefly met while they were mutually procrastinating on their phonetics/phonology course projects. His project involved comparing dialects of German.

(Setting: A long, poorly-lit hallway in the bowels of Dwinelle Hall. Time: Friday afternoon. Situation: SAM is walking down the hall of the linguistics department, having finally found it after walking up and down staircases that seem to move every time she tries to find them, sort of like at Hogwarts, except not cool, and not even trying to look like she knows what she's doing because she is regretting not bringing a headlamp and freeze-dried rations. The hallway is just so long and dark and the shadowy figures silhouetted in the doorways are doing nothing to alleviate her undergraduate nervousness.)

SHADOWY FIGURES IN DOORWAYS AKA GSIs: (appear menacing and adult)

SAM: DON'T HURT ME I'M ONLY A CHILD!

HALLWAY: (echoes)

SAM: (upon discovering that the room she has been looking for is at the farthest possible end of the hallway) I must look extra classy and like I totally know what I'm doing right now. (Blithely observing plaque reading "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE," raps twice on door frame.)

UNDERGRADUATE MAJOR ADVISER (UMA): I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.

SAM: H... Hello?

UMA: What! Is your name?

SAM: (sounding like a deflating tire) S... s... s... Samantha.

UMA: What! Is your quest.

SAM: I have an appointment to declare my major!

UMA: What! Is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

SAM: But linguistics majors can't handle numbers!

UMA: FACT! Come in, come in.

(SAM enters.)

UMA: Have a seat. So what did you need?

SAM: I'm here to declare my major.

UMA: Aha. Let me pull up your transcript. (leaves room)

(Enter SWISS GERMAN MAN.)

SWISS GERMAN MAN (SGM): Vhere is undergraduate major advice-or?

SAM: Getting my transcript.

SGM: I vill vait outside.

SAM: Hey, are you Swiss German Man?

SGM: This iss the facts.

SAM: You didn't have an accent last time I met you.

SGM: Tell no one. I was never here. I have to go.

(Exit SWISS GERMAN MAN. Re-enter UNDERGRADUATE MAJOR ADVISER.)

UMA: Here we are. All right. So. You've taken Ling 100... and... WOW. You did really well in 110.

SAM: (briefly considers saying "I know") Oh. Mumble. I. Mumble mumble. Liked the mumble material mumble.

UMA: We rarely see A+s for 110. You know, if you liked the material so much you should consider doing an honors thesis your senior year.

SAM: I... am but a child.

UMA: But think about it!

SAM: I will keep that here. (points to head)

UMA: Cool beans. Now here's our undergrad initiation rite. If you'll sign this waiver that removes us from responsibility for your bodily injury or death, then follow me into the dungeon - I mean the next room - wait, you brought a change of clothes, right?

SAM: ...

UMA: Your audible ellipses indicate to me that you did not. No matter! The rest of our undergrad tradition involves giving you chocolate (handing SAM a bag of chocolate) and taking your photo! If you'll follow me to our undergrad wall where we post the photos of our undergrads so we can put faces to the names we make fun of at parties, we'll just do that right now.

SAM: CAMERA? WHERE?

UMA: (photographs SAM)

SGM: (emerging from darkness) OH, YOU'RE A NOOB?!

SAM: And proud!

Trench coat: FoxRun, hand-me-down. Silk scarf: grandmother's. Rings: secondhand, estate sale. Light gray argyle tights: H&M sale. Black and white saddle shoes: Payless.