clarification

For most of last week, this week, and yesterday, I was feeling like


Here's what went down, in script form, because this is my usual medium.

(Thursday morning. SAM has been spiraling into a shithole of self-doubt and reluctance to continue her summer courses because of a combination of factors, the tipping point being WILL jab-jabbing her with the implication that her unhappiness is born of trying to please other people.)

(SAM is sitting in a little ball outside her lecture hall watching a centipede crawl by. The third fucking centipede in three days.)

SAM: I cannot do this. Why am I doing this? The most satisfying things I have ever done and was happiest doing are theater and writing, or a combination of both. Why am I doing this to myself? Am I good enough? Do I believe in myself enough to walk away from security and pursue something I haven't touched in years? Can writers pay their bills? What should I write about? Can I be a novelist? Can I be a playwright?
WILL (disembodied voice): YOUR PARENTS MUST BE SO HAPPY.
SAM: OMG, PLEASE SHUT UP. SHUT UP!
STEPHANIE: Hi, Samantha.
SAM: Stephanie, I can't do this.
STEPHANIE: Yes you can. You are awesome.
SAM: No. I can't. Why am I doing this? I like the people. I like the subject largely because I need to like the subject. I am going to flunk my math class. I like to write. I am not a technical person at heart.
TA: Hi, Samantha.
SAM: (gives her TA the stinkeye)
TA (to STEPHANIE, whispering): Does Samantha hate me?
SAM: So, if I withdraw from all my classes, can I still do the project with Stephanie?
TA: ...I think so?
STEPHANIE: What?! WHAT! You're not going to try to convince her to stay?
TA: Uh... Samantha. You're a good student. And your bio was really funny.
STEPHANIE: THAT'S ALL YOU CAN COME UP WITH?
TA: It was like the funniest thing I've ever read! IN MY LIFE.
SAM: That's really sad because I don't even remember what I wrote on it.
TA: You wrote about... getting eaten by a shark... and Lady Gaga.
SAM: Ohhh... but I drew a single line through it. That means you're not supposed to read it. It doesn't count. Like on the AP tests.
TA: That made it EVEN FUNNIER.
STEPHANIE: CAN WE STAY ON TASK HERE?

(Meanwhile, SAM has been distress-texting LING-LING, her MA, SUNSHINE, and her study group member AMIL.)

SAM: MA, I really don't think I can do this anymore. Ling-Ling, I can't do this. Sunshine, I'm freaking out. Amil, can you tell our tutor I'm dropping out and going to join the circus? Also, I won't be taking the quiz today.
AMIL: Okay, just make sure to do it soon or they might charge you.
LING-LING: Stop it. Yes we can.
SUNSHINE: Sorry to hear, dude.
MA: WHAT'S WRONG? ARE YOU ACTUALLY FLUNGING YOUR MATH CLASS? ARE YOU SURE IT IS NOT THAT YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED IN PEOPLE. IS IT ME OR FAMILY STUFF?

(SAM runs into the bathroom to cry.)

TA: I told you she hates me.

(SAM returns.)

SAM: Stephanie, do you want me to do the project with you anyway? I'll do it. I just won't finish the class.
STEPHANIE: No. No, you don't have to.
SAM: But that's awful.
STEPHANIE: ...Please stay!!!

(In the elevator.)

GIRL: Oh, hi!
STEPHANIE: Why are you going to the second floor? There's no exit there.
SAM: My life has no exit.
GIRL: We're taking our quizzes right now! It's going to run over into when the potluck starts.
STEPHANIE: Huh. I can bring you food if you want.
GIRL: Okay!

(SAM and STEPHANIE are walking back to their apartments. STEPHANIE is trying to convince SAM to stay.)

SAM (internal monologue): Every time I put my foot down, I am bringing myself farther away from this building where my shot at security is stored. And every time I put my foot down, I can hear my steps echoing with the weight of WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW? WHERE IS MY PLAN B?
SAM (aloud): Wow, I'm really dramatic.
STEPHANIE: You can say that again.
SAM: Wow, I'm really dramatic.
STEPHANIE: What are you even going to do if you don't do computer science? LINGUISTS DON'T GET JOBS!!!
SAM: I know. Goddammit. I have so much foresight, you know that. I think my lack of a Plan B just successfully scared me back into doing this.
STEPHANIE: REALLY? OKAY, LET'S GO! C'MON, YOU'RE TAKING YOUR QUIZ WITH THE OTHER GROUP RIGHT NOW.
SAM: Oh my God. The Universe is fucking with me. How do random things add up so well?

(SAM is taking her quiz. STEPHANIE is working on homework nearby. Enter TA.)
TA: What are you doing here?
STEPHANIE: Dude, I convinced her to take her quiz. And maybe stay.
TA: Oh... okay... Well I'm going to go get pizza for the potluck.
SAM: Oh cool let me chip in -
TA: MONEY! (runs off with SAM's money)
SAM: Well that was successful.

(Potluck.)
TA: Hi, Samantha. I realized you can't eat pizza because you're lactose intolerant. So I bought you a fruit cup.
SAM: Thank you! I am so touched!
TA: STEPHANIE, why are you eating all of the pizza?!
STEPHANIE: I'm having ONE SLICE. The other one's for this girl taking her quiz right now.
SAM: She's eating the slice that I gave you five bucks for.
TA: EXCUSE ME, WHOSE FRUIT CUP ARE YOU EATING?
STEPHANIE: HERS. IT'S HERS. YOU GAVE IT TO HER. AS A GIFT.
TA: Oh right. Well I felt bad because you couldn't eat any of my cupcakes -
SAM: NOBODY WANTS YOUR CUPCAKES.

TA (to STEPHANIE): No, seriously, does she hate me?

(Over a game of Set, the card game)
PERSON: SET! (grabs cards)
ALL: AWWW/DANGIT/NOOO!/ARGH!
PERSON: SET - FALSE ALARM!
ALL: AWWW!!!!/DANGIT!!!!!/NOOOO!!!!/ARGH!!!
SAM: SET!!! (lunges across table for cards)
PROF/LECTURER: NOOOO!
SAM: SUCK IT.
ALL: (tittering)
SAM: (facepalm) Shit I really did just said that to my PROF/LECTURER.

(At around midnight after we've all developed bruises on our thighs from playing clapping rhythm games and sore throats from yelling.)

STEPHANIE: Okay. You want me to help you with your math homework that's due tomorrow?
SAM: Do you know that you're the best person ever?
STEPHANIE: I like to be reminded.

(Today.)

(SAM walks into Walgreen's to buy a box of Dots candy so she can present it to STEPHANIE with the note "Stephanie, you are the car to my cdr.")